What if the Hokey-Pokey really IS what it’s all about?

We only use 10% of our brains. Imagine what we could accomplish if we just used the other 60%.

‘Quark’ is the noise made by a posh duck.

If we use the Greek letter ‘pi’ to symbolise 3.141592… What do the Greeks use?

You should never eat blackberries on the bushes if they are below waist height.

There’s nothing wrong with a bicycle that a motor won’t cure.

I want to meet someone who has had a near death experience, but instead of bright lights, pearly gates and welcoming relatives, he has seen coal bunkers, cloven hoof prints and smelled sulphur.

There are 2 rules to being a success in life: 1. Never give out all the information.

Why don’t we just take the safety labels off everything and let stupidity sort itself out?

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

Don’t you hate it when someone asks you a question and you don’t know whether it’s rhetorical or not?

The only thing that keeps me from realising my full potential is the depressing awareness that it probably wouldn’t take much time or effort…

Anxious to ‘include’ as many minorities, religions and disabilities as possible, the human resources department of the University of Alberta put up a Braille poster outside its main office. The poster has been placed inside a display case with a glass front.

Wittgenstein and a friend were discussing why people used to think that he sun orbited the earth. “Because that’s what it looks like” said the friend. “Oh”, replied Wittgenstein, “and what would it look like if the earth orbited the sun?”

Quidquid latine dictum sit altum viditur - “That which is said in Latin sounds profound.”

I cannot be hypnotised. I remind the hypnotist of this every Wednesday hen I go round his house to wash his car.

There’s no place like 127.0.0.1

In 1994,Los Angeles Police arrested a man for dressing up as the Grim Reaper - complete with scythe - and standing outside the windows of old peoples’ homes and staring in.

I just read a report that stated that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

Bacon rashers make ideal skin grafts for pigs when they scratch themselves.

If the earth was destroyed tomorrow, the only evidence for the existence of humans in the solar system would be a plaque on the moon bearing the names Richard Nixon and Spiro Agnew.

Apparently if you type the following backwards: natas evol I it says “I love Satan”. Spooky.

A radioactive cat has 18 half lives.

We think it’s amazing that salmon travel thousands of miles each year to mate in the same place. However, each year 1.5 million people from the UK go to Spain for the same reason…

The best cure for seasickness, ever… Sit under a tree.

According to a new study, 63% of men surveyed said they like to settle an argument by having sex. The other 37% of the men said they would never want to get into an argument with those men.

The human small intestine if straightened out and measured with a ruler would no longer work properly.

Panta Hellenici estin emoy is Greek for “It’s all Greek to me”

There is more salt in a bowl of corn flakes than there is in a packet of salted crisps

Life is just nature’s way of keeping meat fresh.

There is no Nobel prize for mathematics cos Nobel’s wife had an affair with a mathematician.

Why do aliens always abduct stupid people?

A girl walked into a cocktail bar and asked for a double entendre so the Barman gave her one. A sound man then came in and gave her one-two.

The reason it’s so windy in this country is cos of those big wind farms all over the countryside. Total waste of electricity if you ask me…

Did you know that the Eskimos have 152 words for linguist?

The Simpsons are just drawings.

What shape does a pear go when everything goes wrong?

I feel like an 18 year old. My wife won’t let me have one.

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books if you simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.

Want to hold up a bank in Latin? “Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis ad caput tuum saxumim mane mittam.” (I have a catapult. Give me all the money or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.)

My dad had a friend who married a schizophrenic called Annette. She had a terrible time trying to pull herself together after she married Mr Curtain.

Life is like a simile…

Aberdeen is the Gaelic word for hypothermia

A morbid fear of shopping centres is called a ‘complex complex complex’.

Speech-Recognition Demo At a recent Sacramento PC User’s Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down. Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, “Format C: Return.” Someone else chimed in: “Yes, Return”. Unfortunately, the software worked.

A termite walked into a bar and said ‘Is the Bar Tender in here?’

Did you know that Anna Kournikova is a tennis player as well?!!

A volunteer is someone who misunderstood the question

Siemens have a depot in Staines.